For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
