tell your sister to shave her snatch
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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