So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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