Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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