I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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