I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
whose parrot is this?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
