Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
