i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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