I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
