And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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