3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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