Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
