So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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