I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
