the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
