I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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