Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
