I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
