im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
