Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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