I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
