I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
