my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
