I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think my fart just growled at me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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