I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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