my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just had sex on a roof
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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