I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
