i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
