I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
this is an emotional support booty call
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
