Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
