i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
