in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
