She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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