Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
