When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
