I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
