Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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