Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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