Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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