this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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