covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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