we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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