This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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