why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
