I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
