yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
