I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
