My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
