Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
high people should be assigned attendants
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
