Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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