I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Someone signed my nipple.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
