Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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