Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
