I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
